My Beetle Adventure

I wish I were talking about my car.


I was walking down the hallway this morning, minding my own business, when I see the shadow of some sort of creature on the floor of my bedroom. I peer around the corner and gasp. Quite possibly the largest bug I have ever seen is waddling across my carpet. (This thing was even bigger than the infamous Cape Cod Spider, which is a different story for a different day.) At first, I honestly thought it was a cockroach and I felt what I can only describe as a mixture of horror and being totally aghast. Upon closer inspection, it appeared to be some kind of beetle, though I didn't really look at it long enough to really get a feel for it.


I ran to the bookshelf and found the thickest book in there, one of Kevin's mammoth computer manuals (thanks, Honey.) I hurled it at the beast. Again and again. It seemed impervious to my throws of death. I got so freaked out I left the book on top of it and went and got another, stacking it on top for good measure. I paced back in forth not knowing what to do. I figured I would check to see if it was dead or not. I took one book off and standing as far away as I could, I started to take the other one off. I swear the thing hissed at me! It made some kind of utterance and then I screamed. Like, really screamed. The neighbors probably thought there was an intruder in the house and I was in grave, physical danger - that kind of scream. I tried again and looked. It still seemed alive. Nothing was crushed like when you normally squash a bug. I threw the book back on top and ran.


I was shaking. I admit it! I actually considered going outside and flagging someone down to come help me. I thought of who I could call to exterminate this bad boy. I had some semblance of logic in my mind telling me that I would pretty much be mocked mercilessly, so I just sent Kevin a text asking for suggestions. 


After telling me to throw a book at it, (duh, first thing I did) he told me to scoop it up with a spatula and fling it outside. Sheer brilliance! If I could stomach it of course. After removing the book once again and leaping back, it seemed to be pretty still. I started to slide the spatula underneath when it rolled over. I dropped the spatula and let out another shriek. But it was dead. It's menacing little legs were sticking up immobilized. With all the courage I could muster up I got it on to the spatula and cried, "Get out of my house!" as I flung it over the deck railing.


If you're sitting there shaking your head thinking I'm pathetic, here's a link to a picture of it's brother.  Brother Beetle of Terror 


Click to enlarge. You'll see what I'm talking about.